I should not be allowed out in public, or at least I should not be allowed NEAR my Eldest sons teacher without a gag. Unless I have a specific reason to speak to him, I am incapable of maintaining anything resembling a sensible parent demeanour, this is largely because the Man is just NOT in any sense LIKE a teacher, he is affable and has a sense of humour, he also sussed early in the academic year that YES Ms Fanylion IS something of force to reckoned with if the well being of her children is at stake, but that that drops the second its dealt with and its back to mildly mocking the world, and saying stupid things.

Having viewed my sons work, causing a cross classroom ripple of laughter from m'sally, when I commented 'I KNOW this piece of music' as a slide show of fresh faced Y4 children at the start of the year was slowly fading in a and out on the interactive whiteboard...'hang on THIS is the main theme from The Omen isn't it...

The slide shows continued, and catching my quizzical eyebrow, Mr M, explained that they had been for a walk one afternoon, to the cemetery, and one of the children had taken these photos.. it wasn't as I speculated, a slide show he displayed regularly, during tests, looking knowingly at the children and saying 'well Kids, if you don't do well enough you KNOW what I'll have to do' and nodding knowingly at the images of tombstones and wreaths..

After a whilst, it essentially became, a case of his showing videos, photos and a friendly, amiable chat.. the children were playing happily..

A whilst ago, some African drummers went in and did a workshop.... so we saw a video of that, the kids decided to commentate on this, hammer out beats on the desks.. and then, my eldest pipes up something...

Something that will lead to my opening my mouth, before I can stop it happening.. that will shock the two mysterious parents who wish to MEET Mr M before he starts teaching their infant children next year.. something that will take a whilst to live down

Mum, that drum I'm being taught to play, its a Buggerabu

a what?

Buggerabu

*childish laughter from everyone present*

I see... poor Abu

*more laughter*

*things calm slowly adults can just about look up, children revelling in saying bugger and getting away with it*

Wasn't THAT the monkey in Aladdin?

* more giggling and a SWIFT change of subject before the children dare question WHY its funny*

Well we'd best go see Mrs C, and acquaint ourselves with her, perhaps you could put that wig on, and pretend to be someone else for a whilst Mr M?

He didn't, apparently he only does THAT on Saturdays....

Picture the scene, a curvaceous woman is walking towards you, a woman in her own descriptions, 'bootylicious'... whilst you observe the beads of sweat verily glistening 'pon her bronzed lithe form, the movement in the swell of her breasts, and the length of her powerful, yet still feminine thighs, you are I would waver slightly transfixed, in awe almost, and vaguely aware she is trying to impart some matter of great importance to you, only somethings distracting you..

It is perhaps the evident and indeed awe-inspiring Herculean strength she displays, for attached to the rope, tied round her waist and slung, casually over one shoulder, there appears to be a precipice, that wouldn't look out of place in the Andes...

What fresh hell is this?

Well, its Jennifer Lopez, imploring you to accept that fame and fortune hasn't changed her.. in spite of the sum contents of a quarry she carts around with her as either a display of, or simply reaping the rewards of her undeniable wealth, she is in fact STILL Jenny from the Block.

I can only conclude, having heard the song which brought this unusual pass time of hers to my attention, that Ms Lopez is suffering some form of Mental Illness, its a sure sign of derangement, in fact in professional circles it goes as far as to suggest she might be, in technical terms 'barking fucking mad'

Surely a better use of her wealth would have been some discreet jewellery perhaps encrusted with Diamonds.


Still, we should perhaps spare a thought for the Mentally Ill, a sentiment which leads me rather neatly into talking about...

Football.


For the past, however long, it seems a rather LARGE proportion of the worlds populace have been gripped by 'Football Fever' a condition which largely involves boring the arse off of anyone who doesn't actually GIVE a shit, and has more immediate pressing concerns then which nation has acquired the best collection of men able to kick a ball into a net hung on a frame the most times in an hour and a half. Its not actually a matter of 'National Pride' it was an excuse for some fairly vile racism by the factions inclined that way, and the launch pad for the career of an Octopus named 'Paul' which had rather implausibly been blessed with a second sight.

The best thing perhaps about the world cup, was that it outed someone who appeared to be simultaneously arrogant, pig ignorant and one of the most genial, reasonable and frighteningly apologetic men on earth, as 'a bit of a twat', thus enabling me to finally justify walking away, and closing the door quietly behind me... it had been 'fun' if you overlooked the fact I found him a shade cloying, slightly creepy, and really couldn't get passed the factI was the tallest person, in what he deemed the 'relationship'. You see, being busy with Work, taking your daughter who lives with your ex-wife on holiday.. both are entirely reasonable consumers of time... the Football however is not.

Word in your collective shells, like...

I'm fairly tolerant, understanding, accepting, possibly TOO much so for my own good in honesty... but to detail why you can't see me for 2 months, and cite FOOTBALL as one of the three MAIN reasons, isn't ever going to go down well... that's your one way ticket to 'fuckoffsville'

Though, even if that hadn't happened, I at times have a short attention span, and was getting a bit bored, and as he wasn't by any means a stupid man, he would have realised soon enough - I didn't actually feel anything and was in fact, just having fun, getting laid, and hoping for a turn driving his MG... I'm not always (rarely in fact) in these things for the emotional attachment - that tends to over complicate matters, and get your fingers burnt rather dramatically I find...

I've given upon dating, its far too distracting, much easier to just be friends with people and not have sex at all, possibly ever again.

I've also given up on the Booze, it was unsettling my delicate flower innards, there are only so many times you WANT to shit out the snotty lining of your intestines in your life, in fact I find any number above 0 beyond my threshold.. so I've gone teetotal..

Its been a month already, I'm better off, or would be if I didn't keep biuying cheap CDS and driving to wales and back in a weekend.