Picture the scene, a curvaceous woman is walking towards you, a woman in her own descriptions, 'bootylicious'... whilst you observe the beads of sweat verily glistening 'pon her bronzed lithe form, the movement in the swell of her breasts, and the length of her powerful, yet still feminine thighs, you are I would waver slightly transfixed, in awe almost, and vaguely aware she is trying to impart some matter of great importance to you, only somethings distracting you..

It is perhaps the evident and indeed awe-inspiring Herculean strength she displays, for attached to the rope, tied round her waist and slung, casually over one shoulder, there appears to be a precipice, that wouldn't look out of place in the Andes...

What fresh hell is this?

Well, its Jennifer Lopez, imploring you to accept that fame and fortune hasn't changed her.. in spite of the sum contents of a quarry she carts around with her as either a display of, or simply reaping the rewards of her undeniable wealth, she is in fact STILL Jenny from the Block.

I can only conclude, having heard the song which brought this unusual pass time of hers to my attention, that Ms Lopez is suffering some form of Mental Illness, its a sure sign of derangement, in fact in professional circles it goes as far as to suggest she might be, in technical terms 'barking fucking mad'

Surely a better use of her wealth would have been some discreet jewellery perhaps encrusted with Diamonds.


Still, we should perhaps spare a thought for the Mentally Ill, a sentiment which leads me rather neatly into talking about...

Football.


For the past, however long, it seems a rather LARGE proportion of the worlds populace have been gripped by 'Football Fever' a condition which largely involves boring the arse off of anyone who doesn't actually GIVE a shit, and has more immediate pressing concerns then which nation has acquired the best collection of men able to kick a ball into a net hung on a frame the most times in an hour and a half. Its not actually a matter of 'National Pride' it was an excuse for some fairly vile racism by the factions inclined that way, and the launch pad for the career of an Octopus named 'Paul' which had rather implausibly been blessed with a second sight.

The best thing perhaps about the world cup, was that it outed someone who appeared to be simultaneously arrogant, pig ignorant and one of the most genial, reasonable and frighteningly apologetic men on earth, as 'a bit of a twat', thus enabling me to finally justify walking away, and closing the door quietly behind me... it had been 'fun' if you overlooked the fact I found him a shade cloying, slightly creepy, and really couldn't get passed the factI was the tallest person, in what he deemed the 'relationship'. You see, being busy with Work, taking your daughter who lives with your ex-wife on holiday.. both are entirely reasonable consumers of time... the Football however is not.

Word in your collective shells, like...

I'm fairly tolerant, understanding, accepting, possibly TOO much so for my own good in honesty... but to detail why you can't see me for 2 months, and cite FOOTBALL as one of the three MAIN reasons, isn't ever going to go down well... that's your one way ticket to 'fuckoffsville'

Though, even if that hadn't happened, I at times have a short attention span, and was getting a bit bored, and as he wasn't by any means a stupid man, he would have realised soon enough - I didn't actually feel anything and was in fact, just having fun, getting laid, and hoping for a turn driving his MG... I'm not always (rarely in fact) in these things for the emotional attachment - that tends to over complicate matters, and get your fingers burnt rather dramatically I find...

I've given upon dating, its far too distracting, much easier to just be friends with people and not have sex at all, possibly ever again.

I've also given up on the Booze, it was unsettling my delicate flower innards, there are only so many times you WANT to shit out the snotty lining of your intestines in your life, in fact I find any number above 0 beyond my threshold.. so I've gone teetotal..

Its been a month already, I'm better off, or would be if I didn't keep biuying cheap CDS and driving to wales and back in a weekend.