I again realise I have no idea who, if anyone reads this, thus I shall presume its the whole world.

And as such I shall direct this, at a person, who doubtlessly knows who they are, despite bein shrowded in mystery from my point of view.

Because I don't KNOW who you are, or WHY you feel the need periodically to ring me, listen to e say 'hello', not speak.. and then listen to me ake disparaging remarks about whoever you are... though someties you deny me that pleasure and simply sigh then hang up.

Well firstly I apologise that my phone greeting dissapoints you so, I should perhaps say somethign more inspiring.. like 'you have reached the HOTLINE for aural delights'.. though personally I will always favour 'hello' its my traditional side you see... so whomever you are, who finds such grave disapointment in my answering manner.. ach, you'll Just have to stop ringing won't you.

Also, and frankly it would e stooping to conjecture, to assume its one person doing this.. womsoever decided that 2.46am was a GOOD time to ring me, I must correct you, again i cn be quite traditional at times - and as such WAS asleep.. to get to the phone JUST as it stops ringing is ALWAYS frustrating, whats MORE frustrating is when you discover it was a witheld number..

For all I know, someone had albeit foolishly, fallen suffered shocking injuries, and for reasons which may have made sense to them at the time, decided to ring me, to request help.. I'm a big advocate of rinigng the emergency services in that instance - for I am NOT a medical professional, I cannot therefore help you....


Anyway, whoever you are - your fun and apparent disapointment will soon be ending, on account its entirely possible to BLOCK witheld numbers ever being allowed to reach you... and only a foolish lunatic would be so strange as to leave a record of their number... largely on teh grounds that I consider this to be an annoyance harrassment if you will, and for all you kow I miht have been keeping a record of this or 6 months now, which I will be reporting to say... the Police.

Do yourself a favour and FUCK OFF

Life feels like a film, not a very exciting film at that.

But I am but a casual observer, watching the protaginist floating in the sea that fills a void.

My every day it seems blends imperceptibly with the next, punctuated by periods of sleep and mealtimes. The children provide the reason to get up each day and like an automated Mum go through the motions, same old same old day after day..

As sure as this will pass, I'll feel like I am living my life, I'll be back inside my head, not watching from a safe distance behind the eyes.

a whole lot o nothing

Oh hello again. still here? Hope yo weren't waiting long

You see, the small ones and I went to Wales.. the intention being to go for a couple of days, a breath of fresh air some company, a nice walk, a brief persual of Abakahn and come home in time for Doctor Who.

We did all of that, and thanks to germs, stayed an extra night.

Returned home to find half a very FLAT mouse in the kitchen, which was nice

Slept liek teh proverbial DEAD last night, and are still swanning round in our pajamas at almost 1pm this must be rectified for we need food!

So

It seems the Internet has a sense of humour, as dark and mocking as mie is at times prone to be...

you log into f-a-w-b, and it greets you with the the news your ex is now naming their co-relationship-ee, a phot of them lookign rather too happy frankly, and then the ads, I couldn't make this up if I tried..

there it was, teh horse faced grinning man 'So Emma STILL single?'


I laughed that peculiar chuckle you do when you stab your hand with a knife in the washing up bowl.


I like being single you know, I like that the ex is rather too happy for his own good, it just you know, its Saturday night,I'm doing my laundry, watching the Trueman show and contemplatng a bit of oblong observation, I don't exactly NEED reminding no ones here doing that with me

Nothing especially

In some kind of Infinite Wisdom, the lovely people over at faceachewankbook have once again changed teh visual format, leaving the innocent unsuspecting users of the site, to no doubt complain becuase its changed, or because it looks like an even larger pile of vomited code, with a bunch of ads, and far more information about your contacts then you give a shit about - you know if you WANTED to know you coud, oooh look at a profile page perhaps?

Its slowly killing interaction, simply because you just don't need to its al there, I suspect soon,. they'll have found a way of being able to alert everyone on your contacts that you've passed wind, tripped over a snail ( it DOES happen) and various othe things, that frankly you just don't share with the masses. Now one of the new features, is to 'suggest' what you should be doing, now If I wanted to go and write something unassuming on a 'wall' of a riend or sometime aquaintence, then I have the free will to do that, I don't like the 'suggestion' that I really HAVE to do this, that I NEED to reconnect with this person... The irony being of course, that I was elsewhere, using far nicer methods of internet based communication, talking to the very person facebook was jumping up and down in an irate manner becuase heaven forbid, I was IGNORING it. Thus I can conclude, facebook isn't as cever as it would like to think.


One of these days, I shall simply suggest to the people that I actually talk to online, that we go for a coffee, pop round to their house, or something resembling what used to be social interaction, back in the day, when I were a lass..

I may even confront this ridiculous issue I have with telephones, by rights I SHOULD be able to talk to more then 5 people in the whole world without needing some kind of list of notes, almost like a script...

Now if you'll excuse me, in proof taht I am not as young as I used to be I am still nursing something of a hangover that quite frankly ouht to have lifted by now... its goign to be one of those persistent ones you have to SLEEP to finaly be rid of, I can just tell.

Sorry Bambi

letme paint you a picture, its early morning, The sun has not long since risen, in the calm tranquility of teh countryside, shrowded in a low mist, a merry bunch of creatures have assembled, and are going about their busniess, in a quiet unassuming way, un beknownst to them on the otherside of teh mist, are hunters...

With a crack and a flash a shower of bullets rips through the mist, and less poetically,it also rips through the flesh of these cute, fluffy anmals, and indeed their feathered friends.

Animal rights activists are doubtlessly very upset by this type of thing.

I however applaud it, and in celebration am cooking a mixed game stew.

Thats right my kids, Mummy is cooking the assembled cast of Bambi for tea, except teh skunk, that smelly twat can fuck right off.

We can't go under, over, through or round it, we'll just have to sit it out then

I'm not sure anyone has read this, but if you have or are 'hello' and an empahtic wave from the sidelines.

I am currently trying to ascribe words to the way I feel in my head, and all that really comes up is comfortably numb' only, its not especially comfortable to have prolonged numbness is it. Sometimes its liek a palpable pressure in there, a ddriving force, pushing me further and further inward, to the land of introspection and over thinking, of seeking distration, or, laying on the sofa, with music on and observing the texture of an untextured ceiling, the way it isn't flat, the lines where palster board joins lay, the troughs where the skimmed layer wasn't quite as thick. Simultaneously listening to each individual component of a peice of music, and its any piece of music, from a symphony that makes your hairs stand on end, through to the latter work of Take That. Each individual sound flowinglike a sprin,g, weaving its way into a river, until its a swirling mass, with undercurrents and spray, bursting over metaphorical rocks at a force and speed I shan't speculate upon.

Its possibly not the most sensible way to pass time, but its escapism.

Sometimes, people crash and burn, and need a period to consolidate their thoughts, put themselves back together and see how it works out. Thats pretty much what i'm doing.

Any transition in life takes time, and certainly in this instance, its been a long slow process, teh reality of the new life, having to take hold and be realised before the chance to sit reflect and to an extent work through it could begin. Because, simply I have the weight of responsibility hang around me, somedays liek a delicate silk scarf, others, like several anvils on a yoke. Its a variable thing, because thats how life works, soimetimes its easy, soemtimes its hard. Right now, I don't know what it is, its just happening, its carrying on around me. everyone has their ups and downs. I just feel ike I'm wathing mine from a distance, not quite engaged in myself, going through the motions of life on automatic, hoping I am carrying off the appearence of someone who is actually sane, and that no one who doesn't need to know has noticed that frankly, I'm not quite right.

I don't regret a single day, I wouldn't change things for the world, the enormous thing which has ultimatley a year on sparked all of whats going on right now was the best, the right and contrare to how I don't doubt it felt at the time, the kindest thing to have done.
I have little doubt in my mind, though that now everythings all sorted, everyone rubs along just fine, and life has carried on, that after all these months living and dealing with the realities, well its kind of kicked in, at a time of year when I tend to have a slump anyway, and during a point in my life where the weight of a genetic disposotion to certain conditions has resurfaced on its periodic cyclical nature. Timing, it seems never has been my strong point.

So yes, whilst I wade through the treacle like state of my candyfloss machine mind, and on top of that, the labyrinth of getting used to being alone, something I can effectively and efficiently distract myself from, by getting all OCD on the domestic duties front, and when the chance arises, jumping in the car and tearing off to Wales. Right now its been too long sine I went across, the house actually can't get much cleaner, and whilst laying examining my ceiling, thinking, I wondr what other peole sound like, and really I NEED to speak to such and such, only, I reach a point where I aren't sure I can speak...

ANyway yes, anticipate more navel gazing,

Ahh Yes.. I remember now

Sometimes yoy forget you have done something, and its easily done really, I mean who doesn't forget they have a blog? And selfishly, or perhaps selflessly, I'll not be the judge on that, keeps their inner meanderings to themselves.

Well, being as I get dreadful blog envy, I thought Oh I know, I'll actually use teh one I set up to ignore a couple of months ago, I'm sure periodiclly I might conjure up something interesting to write about, you'll have to bear with me a lot of the time though, sorry.

I'll let you in on a secret, I'm not really 109 years old, nor do I resemble a row of baths.I'm a mere 31 years of age, and I look like your average, run of the mill 31 year old who has children. Honestly I do.

Of course having started this I realise I have precious little to say, I haven't done anything especially exciting for weeks, I've done a lot of as yet, fruitless fighting the powers that be, and my fight continues quietly in the background, I'd be more upfront about it, but how do you win a figh when the opposition knows your plans? really.