Glad to see you back again..

Good Morning, bear with me reader - I've a layer of dust and cobwebs to clear, whole seasons have turned since last I graced 'pon your eyes, words of life here in my small corner of the world..

Right..

Kettles on, Coffee anyone, no.. suit yourself then..

Ah yes..

Happy New Year!

So.. where have I been, what the devil have I been doing (look at my facebook - nothing massive, nothing so pressing I couldn't have blogged some nonsense or other for you to read)

Its true, its been a quiet 5 months.. and actually its a pattern - abandon the blogosphere in summer and return come January, there must be a reason for this.. and there is, certainly this absence was prompted simply by having too many thoughts, too much information in my head and my inability to pin them neatly on my mental notice board, leaving it looking like an infantile scribble in there rather then a neatly ordered Spirograph.

And I've been adjusting to the new world order, dallying with sobriety (I lasted the course till November.. not the 2 years I speculated, but a good effort, and it HAS altered my pattern of drinking, which has to have been a good thing it wasn't habitual but things always have the capacity to go that way)life is no longer a battle with a small angry boy, we know the truth in 'what a difference the right school makes' and after a battle with my own thoughts, we aren't fighting the demon so hard at present, eating's never going to be 'normal' for me, but I do it a lot more regularly now, and even in public places, without hiding in a corner with a limp salad.. so that's a triumph.. and given Governmental cuts to certain types of funding early into their term I've had to go it alone, assessed and put forward for CBT in April/May.. and signed off the books in June - it would perhaps have been easier to give up on myself, but I didn't, did I.



So what have I learnt in the past 12 months...

I'm not dead inside after all - I have the capacity to feel, if not the better judgement to reign in those feelings when they'll lead me to my ruin... that sometimes even though you know you'll get hurt its worth it for the fun you'll have till it turns sour, I don't die of fright on roller coasters, that when you need answers, just accept the ones you are given, you my never know the truth, you may never distinguish between fact and blended information created perhaps with the better of intentions, gut instinct will be your allie don't ignore it.

And perhaps, the biggest lesson..

That when your happy in yourself,and with yourself.. that's when you have the most to offer others, and yet.. having mainly achieved that sense, I have come to realise.. I'll probably always be alone, loneliness will haunt me at night and the good days, the days of sunshine and near perfection will be mine and mine alone.. I only actively seek out an 'other' when my need to escape is at its highest, thus solitude is for the best...and certainly kinder on the potential 'others' out there. This state is obviously subject to change, I'll happily be proved wrong... I just don't need to be, I'm rather too content with how things are.


Anyhoo.. its day 2 of the newest of years.. I don't know what will play out, but for a whilst at least, I'll be hereabouts, pattering away on a keyboard with somethings, nothings and self indulgences.