We can't go under, over, through or round it, we'll just have to sit it out then

I'm not sure anyone has read this, but if you have or are 'hello' and an empahtic wave from the sidelines.

I am currently trying to ascribe words to the way I feel in my head, and all that really comes up is comfortably numb' only, its not especially comfortable to have prolonged numbness is it. Sometimes its liek a palpable pressure in there, a ddriving force, pushing me further and further inward, to the land of introspection and over thinking, of seeking distration, or, laying on the sofa, with music on and observing the texture of an untextured ceiling, the way it isn't flat, the lines where palster board joins lay, the troughs where the skimmed layer wasn't quite as thick. Simultaneously listening to each individual component of a peice of music, and its any piece of music, from a symphony that makes your hairs stand on end, through to the latter work of Take That. Each individual sound flowinglike a sprin,g, weaving its way into a river, until its a swirling mass, with undercurrents and spray, bursting over metaphorical rocks at a force and speed I shan't speculate upon.

Its possibly not the most sensible way to pass time, but its escapism.

Sometimes, people crash and burn, and need a period to consolidate their thoughts, put themselves back together and see how it works out. Thats pretty much what i'm doing.

Any transition in life takes time, and certainly in this instance, its been a long slow process, teh reality of the new life, having to take hold and be realised before the chance to sit reflect and to an extent work through it could begin. Because, simply I have the weight of responsibility hang around me, somedays liek a delicate silk scarf, others, like several anvils on a yoke. Its a variable thing, because thats how life works, soimetimes its easy, soemtimes its hard. Right now, I don't know what it is, its just happening, its carrying on around me. everyone has their ups and downs. I just feel ike I'm wathing mine from a distance, not quite engaged in myself, going through the motions of life on automatic, hoping I am carrying off the appearence of someone who is actually sane, and that no one who doesn't need to know has noticed that frankly, I'm not quite right.

I don't regret a single day, I wouldn't change things for the world, the enormous thing which has ultimatley a year on sparked all of whats going on right now was the best, the right and contrare to how I don't doubt it felt at the time, the kindest thing to have done.
I have little doubt in my mind, though that now everythings all sorted, everyone rubs along just fine, and life has carried on, that after all these months living and dealing with the realities, well its kind of kicked in, at a time of year when I tend to have a slump anyway, and during a point in my life where the weight of a genetic disposotion to certain conditions has resurfaced on its periodic cyclical nature. Timing, it seems never has been my strong point.

So yes, whilst I wade through the treacle like state of my candyfloss machine mind, and on top of that, the labyrinth of getting used to being alone, something I can effectively and efficiently distract myself from, by getting all OCD on the domestic duties front, and when the chance arises, jumping in the car and tearing off to Wales. Right now its been too long sine I went across, the house actually can't get much cleaner, and whilst laying examining my ceiling, thinking, I wondr what other peole sound like, and really I NEED to speak to such and such, only, I reach a point where I aren't sure I can speak...

ANyway yes, anticipate more navel gazing,