Put the brush down, there'll be no grooming here.

So online dating...

Back in December it was suggested to me that perhaps I ought to give it a go. Being of sound mind, and quite happy with my life of solitude, I laughed, quite loudly, in between gasping for breath in my mirth doubtlessly murmured a breathless 'hahahaha fack orf' (somewhere between posh and 'Len' from the Smoking room)

4 weeks later.. after silent pondering, I decided actually nothing ventured nothing gained, I really aren't likely to meet my kind of people in a bar, plus I very very rarely go IN a bar to start with making THAT method of seeking a mate something of a non starter. So I took my friends reccomendation... and registered with a reputable site, so reputable in fact you pay for the privalege...

Now its fair to say I approached the online method with the same distinct lack of fervour that I have in 'real' life, in fact its slightly easier to guffaw at peoples faces online, largely on account they can't hear you, safe in the knowledge that someone somewhere is guffawing at your own face...

Finally, it threw up someone, not in a vomitous manner, we exchanged messages, phone numbers, arranged to meet...and he was a thoroughly pleasent chap.. though we're 'just friends' he thinks its because I have children... and it could be, few people grasp that I lead 2 lives... that of responsible, world weary at times mother, and that of a 31 year old woman with thoughts, notions, ideals and streams of consciousness that don't revolve around the fruit of her loins, so much as they revolve around her loins and a hankering for adult company. Equally it could be that on the epic, 23 hour date, I neglected to be swept off my feet, landing elegantly beneath him in coitus.. because in my world, unless a meeting is specifically arranged for a thorough seeing to, its not first date material..one has a mystique to maintain.. that and the spark wasn't there, we could talk and talk and talk.. and whilst the late adolescent fumbling that proceeded wasn't by any means unpleasent, it wasn't earth shattering, and he made noises rather like a startled baboon which was as disconcerting as it was unattractive. Yes I enjoyed his company, he amused me for the right reasons,I could perhaps over time have come to grow accustomed to his noises, and perhaps when less nervous maybe that spark would have ignited.. and yet I live happily, verily I am sangiune in not knowing.. no what if's not meant to be... Saddle that horse I'm getting back on....

Only my cantering in the fields, found nothing asides an array of strange elderly gentlemen and overweight trogladyte midgets... and so I decided it was time for a change.. or more likely a giving up entirely, back to celibacy and solitude...

and then.. a peculiar little scenario developed... which folks is why I am here

One day a message dropped in my inbox... from a man with no face and very little in the manner of personal info...which raised a quizzical eyebrow from me... perhaps though he was shy, embarassed by the prospect of online dating.. so I replied

Messages dotted back and forth, forth and back.. and it became obvious he was in fact too good to be true... we had shared interests, he knew about things not many people know about, very easy to talk to.. just a little too flattering.. at which point my suspicions where roused... and I thinking now now missy.. cynics do not prosper. Though digging around gathered precisely no information... what I needed was an email address... thus I agreed to chat on MSN.

Again suspicions where roused.. I do suspicious quietly... and allow the slightly giddy side of me to at least enjoy being pursued by a mysterious stranger, what is life without a little fun.. and what is fun if not,at times playing someone at their own game.

And so 'Tom' (I'll call him Tom, it is afterall what he claimed his name was)and I chatted online.. eventually.. though not till quite late he was working... (which raised another eyebrow of the quizzical nature) and I got precisely no personal information.. though did illicit a photograph, and was if nothing else relieved he wasn't a midget trogladyte with a sweat problem.. in the spirit of things I sent a few pictures.. and gave away nothing... its gift being able to talk about anything at length.

I did a good impression of flustered.

I skilllfully avoided the IM-sex chat he was after

and with a definate working email address for him... I had all I needed.

And so I retired for the night.. a busy day as Magnum PI awaited on the sunrise.

at THIS point I suspected Tom was something of a fly by night.. looking for sex and nothing more, possibly married, and had an alarming interest in threesomes.

So the following day, armed with an email address I did the easiest search method... Social Networking sites..

Yep Married.. also NOT called Tom.

I laughed, the dark laugh of the smart alec. And pondered WHY is it that someone so keen on pursueing me, is not in a position to do so... why be cloak and dagger about it..

then I thought.. possibly he's not the brightest spark.. I mean he gave me his email address, and unless he really did think I was hook, line and sinkered by his charms, he must have thought there was a risk of being rumbled.. surely...

So yes, based on him potentially not being the brightest of sparks. I turned to my trusty sidekick, Count Google...

bashed in half his email...

and low

what bounties I did reep.

what laughter I did emit.

what on earth I wondered had I put on my dating profile that suggested *I* who's risk taking and adventurous side involves mainly driving a long way to go to gigs, taking photographs and having a coffee without sugar... would be interested in hooking up with...

A man, who not only isn't called Tom, isn't JUST married... oh no.. it gets BETTER..

he's a SWINGER.

Does his wife know he's a swinger?

so I hid for 2 days.. I blocked his email, I blocked him on MSN...

Perhaps the amazing vanishing woman act would throw him off, it was sadly too subtle...and eventually I was moved to reply.

I decided, to approach it kindly.... I had afterall enjoyed playing the role of fluffy girl, it had passed the time.. and you know one day he'll trip up and get caught...

However a gentle sorry your not my type.. and not remotley cryptic, you need to be careful searching for people online, I for my sins am as honest, upfront and open as the day is long, but there are people out there who'll mislead you and aren't what they appear

didn't quite work.. well it DID... I think he was fishing for info, as to just how rumbled he was

certainly the words 'who, who isn't all they appear? on tenderhooks x' didn't read as the shock of an innocent man...

and so it was pointed out, 'had you NOT asked that I might have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I think, you work away a lot, your into threesomes amongst other things that I am not, it'll never work, is that ENOUGH yet, *Sean?'

(*Sean is the real name of a married man)

and apparently YES yes that really was enough and he's terribly sorry to have bothered me and taken up so much of my time.


Swinging though people? now I shall pretend it was a northern faction of the effortlessly beautiful London sex party swinger elite that I was being groomed for, rather then the more realistic sweaty, pot bellied beige Y fronts bedecked gent with a wife resembling a bulldog who's not ONLY chewing a wasp but has also discovered its lemon flavour and filled with razor wire...

My car keys will remain safely in either the ignition of the car, or indeed my handbag thanks all the same... I know my luck..I'd pick out the keys to a Reliant Robin, and be sent off with a Heating Engineer called Maurice, and I assure you he'd not be a space cowboy or gangster or love.... In my garden, I grow spikey thorned shrubs... theres no Pampas grass to be seen... I recall avoiding speaking to my previous neighbours for several years because of the impressive Pampas by thier front door... I recall with some mirth how the new neighbours have at least tried to destroy it..

I'm one of those people who can be groomed all you like... but I'll still walk away tousle haired and wondering, just what I've avoided this time... I don't *always* spot it with such accuracy...


I'm hoping though to drift away from online dating... it brings out such scepticism, such cynicism.. and proves me right so very often.. well it can't be good for a girl surely.


* * * * * * *


I do not pretend to have not been flattered by the attentions of a Gentleman, and assure anyone who may be sat thinking hang on - You *seemed* quite keen on meeting him... whats not to be keen about? someone too good to be true who offers to "pin you down and attend to you" someone unphased by your circumstances... However you will also know I wouldn't have been so quick to check him out had small alarm bells not been ringing in my ears... Plus if I'd voiced my underlying suspicions and concerns, I'd have been branded defeatest, sceptical and a cynic... I do not need any MORE brandings of those things seared into my flesh.